Thursday, March 14, 2013

You know when.. Florida Resident/Theme Park Edition!

Resident Rules
Otherwise know as "You know your a Florida Resident when..."

I don't know WHO made this but they're obviously a Floridian!

Now, I grew up in Florida. I've lately been banished to the far reaches of the Arctic Tundra but I'm planning my grand escape to get back. You either Love or Hate Florida if you live there and often you don't know just how bad it isn't until you've had to use a yardstick to locate your SUV in a pile of snow taller then you (true story).

Chatting with several of my friends over the last week, we've been having a great laugh at all the silly and stupid rules we have for living in Florida or in our case, Orlando. We've got a metric TON of these, they've been burned into our DNA and even dictate our actions when we're no longer in the state of Florida. So since I've been completely brain-dead on what to chat about over here lately, I figured this was as good a topic as any! 

Alright, enough babbling, onto the funny shit!

You know your a Florida Resident when..

...You know EXACTLY when it's going to rain in the summer to the point you can set your watch by it.
...Anything under a Category 2 Hurricane is "Just Damn Annoying".
...You laugh like hell when some other state makes a big deal about anything under a Category 3 hurricane.
...You've cussed out the Space Shuttle for creating Sonic Booms while your in the shower.
...You own at least 13 bottles of Sun Block and keep them in strategic locations.
...You have gotten Sunburn on the bottom of your feet.
...You can identify a tourist at 50 paces and tell how long they've been in the state by the shade of their sunburns.
...You've ever branded yourself with a seat belt.
...You know where at least 10 Publix or Winn Dixie Grocery stores are and you know which ones have the better selection.
...Flip-Flops are not a fashion statement, they are a way of survival.
...When you spend more money on Flip-Flops then "real shoes".
...You refer to the Insects as "the Wildlife".
...You know that a six foot gator really is rather small. 

 You know your from Orlando when...

...You can correctly pronounce Kissimmee, Econlockhatchee, McCulluch, and Hiawassee.
...You can recite annoying store jingles on demand for places like Primer Adult, Appliance Direct, Family Auto Mart, Bob Dance Dodge and about six dozen others.
...You know the best place to go "parking" in Orlando was at the Airport.
...You've shopped at Infinite Mushroom. 
...You know where the "Magic Mall" is.
...You remember when Florida Mall had a kids train in the middle.
...You remember when Mall at Millenia was a Swamp.
...You know at least 14 MILLION ways around main roads like Colonial, Semoran, John Young Parkway, Sand Lake Road, Orange Ave, Orange Blossom Trail, Alafaya Trail and International Drive.
...You remember the Woolworths. Both Downtown and at Colonial Mall.
...You'd go to Beefy King before stepping foot in an Arby's.
...You would rather undergo Chinese Water Torture then drive on I-4 between 2-8pm.
...You know what a Love-bug is and you still believe the legend of UCF setting them loose.
...You've seen hell, it's called a Palmetto Bug.
...You know at least six different ways to avoid paying for parking at area theme parks.
...You base your parking choices not on being "Close" but on Shade.
...The tallest "hill" you can think of is an overpass.
...You remember the "Exchange at Church Street" and shopped there before.
...You've referred to "seasons" as: Hurricane, Tourist,  Fire and February.
...You've ever sprotted a classy "Blue Tarp Roof".
...The Beach is no longer your idea of fun.
...You know the Florida State Bird is really the Mosquito.
...You've worn a heavy coat the moment it gets below 65 degrees.
...You've seen it rain on one side of the street and not the other.
...You firmly believe anyone with New York, New Jersey, Connecticut or Massachusetts plates should have been denied entrance to the state at the Florida/Georgia border.

You know you've spent too much time at the Florida Theme Parks/Attractions when...

...You've had a year pass for more then one theme park group.
...The idea of waiting more then 10 minutes for certain rides makes your teeth grind.
...Your completely immune to the "Small World" song.
...Some idiot has asked if "You go to  Disney every weekend".
... You know that "Shamu" is really just a stage name and can name off at least three proper names of Seaworld's Orca's.
...You know exactly why Miami Seaquarium is an evil, evil place.
...You don't buy anything 'Full Price' at Disney until you've checked the outlet stores.
... You avoid the theme parks between April-September. 
..You've ever wished that operating a stroller or electric wheel chair should come with an IQ test and Licensing program.
..You know at least 5 Urban Legends surrounding various theme park attractions.
...You've used the "PANIC" button on your keys to locate your car in a parking lot.  
...You can recite the spiel from the Monorail, Ferry Boat and Trams at Disney by heart.
...You've played the "License Plate" game while walking to or from your car.
...You remember places like Cypress Gardens, Boardwalk and Baseball, Circus World, Mystery Fun House and Terror on Church Street.
...'People Watching' is your primary entertainment. 
...You know Central Florida Zoo is a better place to see/learn about Animals then Disney's Animal Kingdom.
...You can look at any attraction line and instantly know if the "Wait Time" sign is lying to you.
...You then walk away from said attraction knowing exactly when the line will get shorter later on.
...You know that joke about "The 3 o'clock parade" isn't a joke.
...You have a firm and undying belief that tourists are a plague.
... Knowing it's always "fun" is to watch the tourists freak out about the afternoon thunderstorms.    
...You understand that Seagulls are just rats with wings.
...You've referred to the theme parks as "The Rat, The Fish and The Woodpecker".

This is my own personal fun, sarcastic and on-going list, feel free to add in anything you think of in the comments!